


Would You

by robertstanion



Series: PEIPHQ Shenanigans [5]
Category: Black Friday - Team StarKid
Genre: Comfort, Fluff, M/M, Songfic, implied autistic!John McNamara, it's just, it's just so fluffy, reassurance, song: would you - the vamps
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2020-10-19
Updated: 2020-10-19
Packaged: 2021-03-09 03:14:48
Rating: General Audiences
Warnings: No Archive Warnings Apply
Chapters: 1
Words: 2,120
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/27107791
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/robertstanion/pseuds/robertstanion
Summary: With John beginning to worry if he's good enough for the physicist again, Xander asks John some questions to tell him that everything will be okay
Relationships: Xander Lee/John McNamara
Series: PEIPHQ Shenanigans [5]
Series URL: https://archiveofourown.org/series/1764349
Comments: 2
Kudos: 10





	Would You

**Author's Note:**

> absolutely no tws apply this is just fluff because i'm actually distraught from nightmare time ep2 so stuf and don't talk to me about that episode but plz do
> 
> anyways enjoy

Dating John McNamara still felt like a dream. It wasn’t like he was able to openly talk about his new relationship, but he could go as far as telling people that he did have a boyfriend now and he was very happy with him in his life. He respected the fact that John didn’t have the best history with coming out to people, and Xander understood the fear he experienced on a day-to-day basis of even finding out that he was gay, so Xander did the most he could to keep their relationship hidden.

It was relatively easy, but sometimes, it wouldn’t be. John was like his opposite side of a magnet; someone he was drawn to without any guilt or regret. John McNamara was someone he found his arms wrapped around more times than not in the office on a bad day when John’s anxiety spiked, and he needed someone. They weren’t at that stage where they were willing to open up to each other, for it was just over a month that they’d been dating, but they were there enough that John trusted him to hold him while he dealt with the tail end of a panic attack.

Xander stayed. God forbid if he left John alone in such a circumstance. He’d always make sure the blinds to John’s office were shut before he pulled up a chair to John’s desk while John repressed tears. Only then would Xander hold out his arms to his boyfriend and let _him_ shuffle into his arms, to which he’d be met with a strong grip that’d protect him. He found taking John’s hair out of the ponytail he wore made things better, which allowed Xander to run his hands through John’s hair as he spoke calming words to him, in hopes of grounding him from whatever was going on in his mind that troubled him so much.

They were rare occasions, though. Most of the time, they’d share lunches if their breaks aligned, and they’d given each other their addresses which meant subtle dates with a shitty film on the TV with takeout on their laps, a blanket (and Xander’s arm) around John, a separate blanket covering Xander. Though their relationship was new and fresh to the world, anyone who didn’t know better would have thought that the two were already married.

Xander liked that thought. He wouldn’t deny it to himself, but he did have a future planned out in his head, and John was in it every step of the way. He wanted to love John for eternity without a sign of stopping. He wanted to nurse John’s injuries and be there for him on his lowest days with the inevitable ability to protect him. Family wise, he did want to get married and where a ring proudly on his finger that would confirm their relationship, and he saw a kid or two in the mix as well. He really wanted this with John, and he was gonna prove it.

That night was a movie night. It had been a tough day at work for the both of them, and there’d been a pleading look in both of their eyes, longing to be in the other’s company for a few hours. They made the decision for John to meet Xander at his place, and they’d put on a movie, get takeout, and etcetera.

It was midway through the movie, and Xander had his arm wrapped around John’s shoulders, running his hands through his boyfriend’s thick golden hair with a soft smile on his face as he watched as John’s eyes fluttered closed once more, his head lolling on Xander’s shoulder. He yawned softly, and Xander felt the tension wipe away from John’s muscles as he relaxed further into Xander’s grip, nuzzling into him in a way. Xander took it as the opportunity to ask him where he wanted their relationship to stand, for he believed that this gesture was something John had been trying to hold back for quite some time.

“John?” He asked softly, nudging him. The other man stirred slightly, yawning again as he moved his hair out of his eyes. He made a noise of content and his eyes didn’t open, but Xander continued anyway. “You wanna tell me how you really feel?”

“’Bout what?” John mumbled, an arm raising to wipe his eyes, almost having to pry them open.

“About our relationship. Sweetheart, you’re practically falling asleep on me already, and I thought you said you didn’t want to rush this?”

“This isn’t rushing it, this is normal…right?” He asked and he opened his eyes, which were faded with tiredness. Xander shook his head, and John let his body become heavy with the sigh he uttered, hauling himself off of Xander, sitting upright again, running a hand through his hair. “Sorry just…I still don’t feel like this is real half of the time, you know? Me and you, Xander and John. It feels…weird…”

“Weird to say, or weird in general?” Xander asked, giving John the space he needed as he moved further along the couch, placing his hands in his lap.

John shrugged, continuing to face the floor as he placed his hands on his face, his elbows on his knees so he was hunched forward on the couch. “I guess…both? Does that make sense? Because now I feel that I _have_ to let my guard down but…I’ve never had to do that before. I’ve never been in a relationship like this before…”

“I never said you had to at all John, remember? I’m going at your pace.”

“Yeah, but-“

Xander reached across, placing his hand on John’s knee, smiling gently. “If that is the reason that you’re holding back, or trying to, then I’d rather know now so I can guide you through this. Being in a relationship isn’t always easy, and you’re not that experienced. No offence.”

“None taken,” John said and sighed again before he looked over to Xander, sitting up slightly straighter. “I want this with you but…I find it hard to process my emotions, and the signals you’re trying to give me which is a pain in the ass. It’s not that I’m ignoring you in the cafeteria, it’s literally only because I can’t read people’s emotions from their eyes, and it’s even harder because _I’m_ not out to anyone and….well, aside from you but you’re my boyfriend so you don’t count but-“ he cut himself off with a thought that blocked his sentence. “I worry. A lot. When we go on missions, I worry about you getting hurt. I don’t give a fuck about myself, if I die, I die.”

“ _That’s_ not concerning,” Xander said, but a smile began to light up his face as he moved his hand back to his lap. He watched as John smiled too and nodded, shrugging again.

“But I worry about how I’m presented to other people, mainly. Am I good enough? Am I the epitome of the company? Am I a good general, that’s the main one. But now I have you to worry about. Am I a good enough boyfriend? Am I doing this right? Does he have his eyes open when he kisses me because I’m inexperienced? Is there anything _he’s_ hiding from me? And…I struggle. On top of my anxiety, I don’t really want this to affect us.”

Xander nodded and took a breath, shifting closer to him, the smile having faded slightly as he spoke again. “So, with this, can I ask you something? Something that _I_ need to know.”

“Oh?” John asked and looked up at him, worry beginning to drain the colour from his face. “I mean, okay but-but if it’s my fault that I’ve done something I’m sorry-“

“If I walked out the door, would you even notice I’m gone?” Xander asked, abruptly ending John’s sentence, and John tilted his head, confused.

“Well…of course?”

“Would you even miss me at all?”

“I don’t think I’d just miss you, if I’m being honest…I think I’d wreck myself if I were the reason you left…” John admitted, and Xander nodded.

“So, would _you_ miss me, or would _you_ want me?”

“What?”

“Is there enough care in your heart, in this second, that if I got up and left-“

“You’re not leaving, are you?” John asked, and his voice shook, as Xander shook his head.

“I’m not. Just listen. If I walked out the door, would you care enough to follow?”

“Follow you?”

Xander nodded to confirm, and John smiled, nodding.

“Xander…I miss you when I have to leave for work in the mornings, or when you step foot out my office. Of _course,_ I’d miss you.”

“And you’re sure that these dates that we have, they aren’t a waste of your time?”

“No.”

“And you’re not lying?”

“Oh, I’ve interrogated enough people with my time in the organisation to detect a lie, and I wouldn’t try to lie about this to you. I trust you too much.”

“So how would you talk about us when I’m not around? Or even when you discuss my recent projects to another agent. Do you find yourself lighting up when you start to speak if I cross your mind? Or do you feel heavy?” Xander asked, but John fell silent then. Xander, realising he must have accidentally pushed him too far, decided to go on to the second part of the plan he’d quickly constructed in his head. “Would you like me to answer the questions that you want to know, even though they’re clearly rhetorical?”

“Okay…” John’s voice was hesitant now, but Xander continued, only wanting to reassure John that everything was okay between them.

“I’ve had a fair share of boyfriends in my time. Some of them…I don’t know if I _can_ consider them boyfriends, but they were there, but you are _the_ best one I’ve ever had. It’s okay to question if you’re doing this right, because you’re in unfamiliar territory and I don’t blame you, but you’re doing an amazing job of being my boyfriend. And, I don’t have my eyes open when we kiss, and I don’t hide anything major from you if I can help it.”

“So…I’m doing okay?”

“You are,” Xander told him, disregarding John’s worries, moving closer to him, as he kissed his forehead. “And if _you_ walked out the door, I’d notice you were gone immediately. My heart aches whenever I see you in a bad mood, how do you think I’d react if you got up and left?” He asked and watched as John started to smile. “I’d follow you right out to try and get you back. That’s the kind of person I am. I don’t like to see anyone upset, and when it comes down to my own boyfriend, well. I already saw you as a person of authority, being my boss and all, but now you’re someone closer to me. It’s personal, and I don’t mind that.”

“I don’t mind it either,” John said and peered up to Xander, and acted as if he was going to move, but subsequently didn’t.

Xander realised he wanted to move back into the hug they’d previously put themselves in, and Xander put on a smile, holding out his arms to John. When John saw the offer being handed to him, he wrapped the blanket around him again, leaning against Xander’s chest as the movie progressed in the background. Xander placed a soft kiss to John’s hair, ensuring he was comfortable as he lowered the volume to the TV. “If you need to go to sleep, go to sleep. I won’t judge you for it,” he said softly, and John nodded, closing his eyes, burrowing into the physicist contently.

“Does this mean I get to wear one of your shirts?”

“If you really want to, honeybee. Now get some rest, Mr General. You have an early shift tomorrow.”

“Okay, Zee. You’d better be in at 11.”

“Will do, sir. Rest well.”

“Will you carry me to bed?”

“Is that a request or an order?”

“I think an order.”

Xander chuckled and swooped John up into his arms, walking up to Xander’s room. He pushed open the door and lay John on the bed. John must have been tuckered out, for when Xander placed him on the bed, he was pretty much already asleep. Xander decided not to disturb him, tucking John under the duvet, as he kissed his cheek, smiling at him. “Goodnight, babe. Rest up,” he repeated as he walked over to the closet to change and to face the night ahead with his beautiful boyfriend beside him.  
  
  
  


**Author's Note:**

> and yes, xander's future planned out was literally the rest of hq shenanigans cause yea <3


End file.
